A letter to Diabetes

Dear type one,

They say you’re invisible, but I see you right in front of me.

You unexpectedly barged into my life 9 years ago. You came as a surprise and decided to get comfortable. It took me years to finally realize that you’re going to be here for a very long time but sometimes things don’t even feel real. I barely remember what life was without you. I don’t remember what it feels like to not constantly be in pain. With time, you only got more aggressive.

First, you took away my childhood as well as most of my teenage years, forced me to face reality and adapt to every situation. Then you took away my voice and isolated me from the world.

You took your time as you consumed me. You started by taking away my joy and replacing it with fear and frustration. You slowly made your way into my mind and overpowered all of my thoughts, elevating my depression, anxiety, self-doubt, self spite and self-sabotage. Not only were you always on my mind but I could always physically feel you, it started small but over time the pain became more visible and intense.

You made me feel like I was drowning and no one could save me. You made me feel like I had no purpose, like everything was my fault. You made everyone pity me and see me as nothing more but a disease. In short, you took away my will to live.

There are days where I’m glad I met you because of how you’ve opened my eyes to a whole new world. You made me go through the most painful unexplainable experiences that shaped me into a strong, fearless, enlightened survivor but then there are days where I hate you with every little part of me.

You’re overwhelming and unbearable. You keep me up at night and make me feel like I’m suffocating.

People think you’re easy to deal with but that’s just until they meet you.

When people see a diabetic, all they see is an insulin dependent body but what they don’t see on the other hand, are the eating disorders, the depression and anxiety, the counting carbs and doing quick math 24/7, the emotional trauma, the mood swings, the tolerance to pain, the lumps and bruises you leave, the scars, the sleepless nights, the self-sabotage, the constant battle of trying to survive, the criticism and SO much more.

As much as I feel like quitting and walking away, I can never seem to get a break from you.

Every time I build myself up and get back on my feet, you bring my world down.

Every time I try to choose to live, you give me every reason not to.

Every time I give up, you force me to fight through the pain.

At one point you had me convinced that I didn't deserve a future, but i'm here to tell you that you do not get to choose what my future holds anymore. You do not get to decide whether I live or die because I may have you, but you do not have me.